Did you ever sign autograph books or yearbooks when you were a kid?  With bizarre foreshadowing of today’s texting, we wrote things like “2 sweet 2 B 4gotten.”  Remember “by hook or by crook I’ll be last in your book?”  Before we signed our curlycue signatures, we wrote “LYLAS” or the oh-so-suggestive (to a ten-year-old, anyway) “Love and other indoor sports.”

Well, this is a blog about living an active life with vertigo, and there are indeed indoor sports.  I’ve had this one in the hopper for a while and finally decided to get the OK from my spouse to post.  I had a lot of fun writing this…I hope you enjoy reading it.

While lying on my left side and sleeping propped up on three pillows, I’ve been dreaming about sex.  I had an enormous orgasm in my sleep early the other morning – I’m surprised I didn’t wake my spouse what with all the heavy breathing.  (Oddly, in my dream I was coming while lying on my right side, the side I haven’t been on in weeks, and yet it was so real that I was severely disoriented when the alarm went off in my post-coital haze and I heard the beep-beep clearly in my right ear—the ear I was sure was pressed to the pillow.  But I digress.)

All this dreaming piqued my interest in getting some of the real thing, so as my spouse and I talked about our weekend plans, I added, “and I want to have sex” to our list of hiking, grocery shopping, and going to the vet.  Now before you think this is too weird, let me say that we’ve been together for 15 years, and we are lesbians.  Have you heard of Lesbian Bed Death?  It is the phenomenon whereby lesbians completely stop having sex as their relationship progresses. Nada.  Zilch.  Without the  male sex drive and with the on again-off again of monthly hormone fluctuations, lesbians are reasonably likely to get caught up in daily living and completely forget to have sex.  It is simply not a biological priority.  (Or so the myth goes.  In reality, this happens to couples of all orientations!)

My spouse and I have successfully avoided LBD all these years because we are PLANNERS.  If you know the Myers-Briggs personality profile types, we are J’s.  Big time J’s.  We have tended to make lists of chores and fun activities that we have planned each weekend, and yes, we sometimes put “make love” on the list. Just verbalizing “Hey, I’m kinda horny.  I’d be interested in getting naked and getting under the sheets” (with thanks to Guggenheim Grotto) gets sex on the other person’s radar screen.  They might think, Gosh, I forgot all about sex, but that’s not a bad idea, and once you’ve got two people on board, well, the party can start.

So now think about your favorite sex activities.  Think about what your head is doing during these activities.  Is it turning, dipping, extending, flexing, bending, twisting?  Up, down, side to side?  You might observe that many sexual, intimate, and snuggly movements are contraindicated for a person with vertigo. What’s a horny verti-gal to do?  Well, a few months ago I said “To hell with it” and dove right in.  Yes, the world was spinning around me and my stomach felt tight, but I had all four limbs safely on the bed and knew I wasn’t actually falling.  I shut my eyes and focused on the sensations in my hands and my lips, periodically confirming that my arms and legs were still in contact with the unmoving bed.  Ignoring the vertigo, focusing my attention elsewhere, and loosing myself in the sensations of sex worked reasonably well, and I enjoyed myself for a while.  Eventually I did have to say adios to my Don Juanita and take a more still, passive role — puking being an anti-aphrodisiac if there ever was one.  But sex was had.  Success!

As I write this, I realize that foreplay is where vertigo interferes the most with lovemaking.  I’ll have to work on that next time. Hey, honey…?