The sky was darkening as I commuted home on the train, but I was all smiles.  I had just glanced up and over my shoulder to see the clouds, and I didn’t experience any vertigo (on a moving train!).  I felt so good today.  The oscillopsia was gone, perhaps thanks to the Epley’s I did in desperation yesterday.  I was all smiles when I saw my vestibular physical therapist.  No HC, just some posterior.  She did a single Epley’s, adjusting the angle of my head until she triggered the nystagmus in the first position.  We even got a little nystagmus in the second position, which has been unusual.  I still felt good afterward.  I ate my lunch in the hospital café and then went to my vestibular testing.  Even after that, I didn’t feel too bad.  I lost my balance twice while walking back to work (similar to June 5), but 1.5 hours later I left work feeling grand.  Big smile on my face as I checked for traffic and looked around me, met my spouse at the station and dashed indoors just before it began to pour.

I cleaned up in the kitchen, ate dinner with my spouse, chatted happily about the possible meaning of my vestibular testing experience.  The words came easily, and I realized that I had had some trouble speaking on my harder days, perhaps because so much of my brain was occupied with staying upright and not puking.  An hour or two later, I got a text message from a good friend.  Had I seen the double rainbow, she asked?  I went to the window and saw a beautiful rainbow just outside my door.  We live on top of a hill and had an amazing 180-degree view.  The rainbow was evenly lit all the way across and brilliant.  Its double extended almost completely across.  I grabbed a camera and attempted to capture it.  It was too big to fit in the camera lens!  I remembered to just BE in the moment and enjoy the beauty.  I breathed the rain-washed air.  I watched a bird flying against the blue-gray sky.  I gazed up at the rainbow.

I felt vertigo.

OK, no problem.  I lowered my chin and raised my eyes.  I stole little glances up at the gorgeous colors.  I tried.

But later inside the house, it was all back.  Positional vertigo mostly, maybe some oscillopsia.  I felt nauseous.  I. felt. sick.  SICK.  I tried to feel nonattachment to the glorious equilibrium I had experienced all day, but I couldn’t help myself; I cried.  I sat down beside my spouse and had a pity party.

I felt so good, I said.

It was a beautiful rainbow.  How could I not look up?  How could I not?

Isn’t this what is important in life – beauty, being in the moment?  Recognizing that I might never see such a perfectly formed rainbow, so large and so clear, again?  Seeing it.  Really seeing it.

How could I not look up?

I felt so good.  Now it’s all gone.  Fleeting, like the rainbow.  Nothing lasts.

My spouse comforted me, then suggested I try the Epley’s again.  After all, it helped yesterday.  So I did the Dix-Hallpike with her as my spotter.  Of course, I was positive.  I did the Epley’s on the right.  Nothing too dramatic happened — that’s typical for me.  But afterward I felt immediately better.  The nausea was gone.  I sat down to write this so that my head would be still for a protracted period, and I am hopeful that when I get up to walk, I will still feel OK.

Still, my soul aches.  Please don’t let this be it for me.  Please don’t punish me for looking at beauty.  I will always choose to look.

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