I’m an optimist, and I like the new year with its rituals of looking back and planning ahead. Let me be honest for a moment, though, I’m not sure how 2014 is going to pan out.

My doubts are triggered by a few things:

  • I am following up with my otoneurologist later in January. I asked to get an MRI because I don’t want to have to explain for the rest of my life (yes, it looks to me like this is chronic, folks) that I never got one. To be honest, there are no clinical indications that the MRI will show anything out of the ordinary. Part of me hopes for that, certainly. Part of me also realizes that if there is an anomaly, it may explain my symptoms. That would be helpful.
  • As Anya, “The Patient Patient,” outlines so well, I am beginning to create my question list for the doctor appointment. As I zero in on what I really want to know and as I practice concisely describing my symptoms, I feel pressure to “get it right.” As if it is my fault if the appointment yields nothing.
  • Yet, I realize that the appointment will likely yield nothing. No one can tell what is going on my inner ear. It’s too small, too hidden, too idiosyncratic. THERE WILL BE NO ANSWERS.
  • I am worried about a new symptom. During the past month I have had several brief (less than 15 seconds) of sudden dulled hearing + tinnitus.
  • In addition to getting vertigo while jogging with my sister, I suddenly lost my balance while walking twice, also during the past month. Losing my balance when I’m having symptoms is not a surprise; losing my balance out of the blue when everything seems to be fine, well…it no longer makes me cry, but I hate it.
  • A picture is worth a thousand words they say, so I want to make a calendar showing the number of red, yellow, and green days that I had last year. I figure this saves me a lot of talking in the doctor’s office. Better get cracking on this; the deadline is approaching.

I don’t sound like much of an optimist now, do I? Time to step away from blogging and make progress.